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    I'm new, is this where I can say hello?

    Hi everyone. I just found this website today. After reading through the forums I can confidently say that I'm in the right place. I have never related so much to anyone in my life. This is the kind of thing that my social circle definitely doesn't talk about. No one has noticed a change in me, I'm a very high functioning drinker.

    I'm 27/F, single, and live in Michigan with my dog Stella. She is truly my saving f-ing grace throughout all of this, because there have been multiple times when I have genuinely wanted to die, only to look at her sweet little face and know I couldn't possibly leave her.

    I began drinking when I was 20, and it never became a problem for me until last year. I went through some very hard times. I found out my fiancé was being unfaithful in January, 2019. I spiraled into drugs and alcohol after I left him. I was trying Ketamine, Nitrous, Acid, Shrooms, Benzos, and all sorts of stuff I'd never done before (as fueled by my rebound guy who was, no doubt, a felon). After I left him and came to my senses, I felt like I was worthless and couldn't deal with living completely on my own with no friends, so I started drinking alone. It was mostly three glasses of wine each evening after work, but it progressed. I added 4 grams of high potency THC concentrates per week to that and was downing 5-8 glasses between 5-10pm before I knew it. I'm 118lb so you can imagine what this combo was like for me and what it did to my judgment.


    TRIGGER WARNING... this is going to get personal and relates to pro-choice matters.

    This led me to make more terrible decisions, resulting in the termination of an unwanted pregnancy. This was the worst experience of my life, and the most painful. Immediately following this, it was discovered that I had precancerous cells on my cervix. I had a biopsy and then a LEEP procedure which completely changed my cycle and left me in pain. I was at the end of my rope, I felt like less of a woman. I felt so ashamed. I never thought it would happen to me, either of these things. It completely destroyed my heart and soul. I started waking up and going to the fridge for craft beer and wine by 9am. Then the pandemic hit and I lost my job. I was making more on unemployment than my monthly salary normally had been the past three years and I was sitting comfortable. I just drank and drank. I lost track of time and space. Never liquor, just wine and beer, but in extreme excess.

    As of now, my job is starting to come back, so I have to cut down on my drinking and I am coming to the realization that I can't quit cold turkey. I shake. I want to die. I feel like absolute shit, it's just not doable. I was extremely pleased when I saw that other people successfully reduced their drinking on their own because I can't afford to go to treatment and I don't want it on my medical record at all.

    I look forward to coming back here on a daily basis and getting to know all of you. Thanks for your time.

    Jess
    Last edited by jessdry; 07-08-2020, 03:42 PM.

    #2
    Hi Jess. I’m fairly new to posting too. Thanks for sharing your story. Totally agree about having a dog to take care of, my little dog keeps me going and makes me more responsible. Nice to meet you, take care.

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      #3
      jessdry, Awww sweetie... You have come to the right place. There is a lot of support here and you will make a lot of "friends". I understand where you have been and what you are going through on many, many levels. You are not alone, sister. Thank you for sharing your story and keeping it real. That's where the magic happens, for you, and for other readers. You keep posting, I'll follow along. Also, join the daily drink count thread, and be honest; I always do. I make everybody else look good!
      Last edited by StrawberryMoon; 07-08-2020, 10:10 PM.

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        #4
        Chickadee meowmix Zulema tryingstriving Isabella65

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          #5
          jessdry greetings! Thanks for stopping by and introducing yourself and sharing part of your story. You have come to a very supportive group and there are a lot of friendly people here.

          I might like to suggest you head over to the “closed forum” general discussion group and check it out. Your posts will get a lot more visibility and in turn a lot of support. You will also be able to read a lot of posts and gain more insight.

          Welcome!

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            #6
            Originally posted by StrawberryMoon View Post
            jessdry, Awww sweetie... You have come to the right place. There is a lot of support here and you will make a lot of "friends". I understand where you have been and what you are going through on many, many levels. You are not alone, sister. Thank you for sharing your story and keeping it real. That's where the magic happens, for you, and for other readers. You keep posting, I'll follow along. Also, join the daily drink count thread, and be honest; I always do. I make everybody else look good!
            Lolz! (the drink count thread).

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              #7
              jessdry Welcome, and I hope you can find good support here. I can relate to many aspects of your story. My rare, social drinking blossomed into a disorder after my partner cheated and left me. It started slowly, but within a couple of years I was drinking 3-4 bottles of wine per day, mostly evenings, but sometimes on the weekends I would have my first glass at 11 am. Since then, my mental health has improved, however I still have alcohol use disorder, for sure. I drink in secret and I'm also very high functioning. I make sure to never drink, or just have 1, in social/work events. No one would even guess how much I drink when alone.

              I know it is easy to say and harder to do, but please don't beat yourself up about the termination or the diagnosis. In my early months of being newly single, I engaged in risky sexual behaviour that resulted in a case of HPV. I was treated, but I felt...gross and terrible. I don't any more, but I did at the time.
              I also had a pregnancy terminated in my early 20s. I already had a 3 year old, was newly married, and just about to start my internship. Having another child would have seriously derailed my education and career for years, and I was just about to get out of being frickin' poor all the time. I don't regret it, and that is why we all need the choice. It helps that I live in a country that does not politicize the issue and treats it as simply health care.

              Yes, you CAN successfully decrease on your own. Read the various articles on tapering and setting up a schedule: https://hams.cc/new/
              You may also want to read the HAMS book, as well as other "Quit Lit" as it has become known here. Some to try, other than the HAMS book (which is a great place to start) This Naked Mind and Alcohol Explained.

              People are very honest and supportive here.
              I don't have my sh*t figured out yet - I'm still drinking way too much, way too often, but this site/book helped me cut down and I've even had several alcohol free days over the past 2-3 months.

              StrawberryMoon - thanks for tagging me! Hopefully we can all help jessdry

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                #8
                Welcome! Please post in the Closed Forum and you'll get a lot of support. It never even occurs to me to look in the Open Forum, so thanks for the tag StrawberryMoon.

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