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My fiancee does not want to stop

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    My fiancee does not want to stop

    I will apologize for the lack of an organized discussion as I am frazzled. I must admit that I tried the AA approach, which I have never been fond of as the stats are so bad. What's more I don't believe that a "higher power" is having any affect on his drinking or will have any affect on his stopping. My fiancee goes to the guest house and drinks nightly. Ultimatums and warnings mean nothing. Threats mean nothing. We are not married but we are joint owners of two properties. He has at least one bottle of red wine (his preferred drink) nightly. I really don't know how much he really drinks as he hides the bottles or throws them in a community trash can or throws them in the lake behind the house. He lost his job about 3 years ago and is 65 and wants to get another job and I think that another job would be good for his self esteem. He is a real estate attorney but says no one will hire him. He committed felony assault against me last year and also got a DUI last year but he was able to hire attorneys to get all convictions erased from public record, which was important for his job search. He became violent due to a gingerly-presented request two nights ago. He will frequently call me names but mostly his behavior is passive-aggressive. He is constantly blaming me for losing things. He has MCI (minimal cognitive impairment) with amnesia to events, but I don't know if he has early Alzheimer's, Korsakoffs, or is having another black-out. Don't know what to do, altho I am glad that I found this site as the suggestions are more realistic and I don't want to play a blame-game with him, just want him better. I am a little concerned with some of the things that I have read on this site...especially tapering..are the experts suggesting that tapering will eventually lead one to stop? How does will-power work if one is only tapering and not going to zero?

    Glad you posted and reached out ... I am new to this forum and Hams but i do have experience with addictions to substances and experience living(married) or dating someone with a problem
    There are many ways to stop drinking and many people use different methods - BUT ALL require a desire to quit and doing it for YOURSELF. Meaning your husband can taper forever but if he doesn't have a plan or see how this is negatively affecting his life - he will not listen to you or go down to zero... I truly don't think ultimatums work but if you have to leave him and let him do what he wants maybe he will quit - maybe not...
    I am really sorry that you have gone through so much already and I don't have a solution to suggest. I really know you want to help your husband. I had gone to many AA meetings with my ex when he decided to get sober...he went on and off drinking for years at the time ...we were in our late 20's and he had to get 3 DUI ( also had them taken care of and erased ) ...I was in for a 6 y ride with him and he had many blackouts etc as well... long story we divorced over 10y ago and i hope he is sober now for his own sake ...
    I don't know what to suggest but what does your fiance say? What does he do? --- I say go more with what he does (his actions) and know that when people drink heavily or prolonged time they can be very manipulative to stay doing what they want


    • njminstrel
      njminstrel commented
      Editing a comment
      Curious how one gets a DUI erased. At least in my state, they're supposed to be permanent records.

    First and foremost, I suggest you make a plan to protect yourself since he has been violent. You cannot help him, or yourself, if you are no longer around or seriously hurt. I am sure there are a number of support services that you could look into for yourself.

    Second, HAMS is for each person what they want it to be - Harm reduction, Abstinence and Moderation Support. Some of us want to learn how to moderate. Some want to quit. Some want intox days and plan ways to keep it safe (no driving, etc.). Some start for moderation, but end up quitting. Tapering is to avoid withdrawals. Whether one wants to quit or moderate, tapering is to get where you want to be without withdrawals. If you instantly stop or reduce alcohol consumption, withdrawals can be dangerous.

    Oneday is correct that he needs to want it.

    "We must make the best of those things that are in our power, and take the rest as nature gives it."

    - Epictetus


      That all sounds like a pretty stressful situation. What are your options for just you? Could you move out?